After countless autographs, endless meetings with fans, I am trying to live my life like a ‘normal’ person. I am joking of course…..I haven’t let my 2 minutes of fame go to my head. I find it rather funny that after all the years I yearned and strived as an actor to get myself on the telly, as soon as I close the door, within 6 weeks in my new life as a ranger I find myself on telly. I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I don’t miss it. I was so nervous before it showing on Sunday night- worried about the edit, concerned about how I might look…urgh…no thank you!! I am much happier being outdoors, with nature, mud, trees, wind, rain and everything else that comes with life as a ranger. Saying all this I felt immensely proud of Lyme on Sunday. My boss was great, Lyme looked stunning and I was so pleased that my genuine love for the job came through. Thumbs up Countryfile, you did a cracking job!
For anyone who missed the programme (and it was a great one- not just the stuff about Lyme- the piece on farmers and their mental health was brilliant) then click on the link below…..
I only worked a short 3 day week as I have the weekend booked off to surprise my boyfriend for his 30th but I feel like I have been through it. Whether it is because I have been away from the physical aspect of the job for 2 weeks whilst at college I don’t know but I struggled this week physically. I felt like I had no strength and was so tired at the end of the nights. It didn’t help that I had a very negative head on Wednesday which wasn’t very understanding about the fact I was physically tired and not mastering fencing as quickly as it would like me too.
Part of me is unsure of whether I should share this, but I also want to be honest and I know that I am not the only one who can have a perfectionist head with unrealistic expectations. Sometimes my head is encouraging and will allow me to be teachable, allow for mistakes (which is essential to learn) and give me space to be human. Sometimes it is the complete opposite and I feel that this week that has been the case. We were fencing off an area that is to be grazed by some cattle and I was trying really hard, genuinely trying and somehow I still got the posts in wonky?? My ego did not like this at all! “Haven’t you been told?” “You have to be shown again” ….this was the type of stuff that went round my head. Then came thoughts like “Well, your colleagues can’t believe they have to show you again”….and so on. What I always find fascinating about this little voice of destruction is that I often don’t recognise it as such. It takes me sharing it with someone else and for them to point out that I am being hard myself or negative ….and potentially ruining my enjoyment of this traineeship and standing in the way of my growth. This got me thinking- I think I have done this before. Is it a habit? Is it ingrained in me? I started to google about learning processes in order to have some information to counteract the destructive head. There is SO much about it….I found some great information on another blog….grab a tea and have a read….helped me 🙂
So I’m not giving up. I said it would be a challenge and it is. It’s the beginning and I’m on the journey. I did say at the start of this that the biggest challenge will be me….and I got that right.
To finish the working week I went in early one morning to sit quietly and watch the rut. Its definitely picking up, a lot more bellowing, posturing and failed attempts by the stags to have some ‘fun’ with the hinds.
Nothing will beat sitting at the top of Cage Hill with a coffee in the pitch black, with nothing but the stars and the lights of the city in the distance. Then a stag bellows – pure bliss- my arms tingle with excitement and at that moment all fears and challenges are worth it. A feeling of being whole comes over me- everything really is alright. I am exactly where I am meant to be.
Here are some photos that my boss Chris Dunkerley took whilst out watching the rut one morning…..
Also check out the new page on the blog- it’s all about the volunteers. This time I am chatting with David Turner.